Jesus, what are you doing?

Duncan

Recent random thoughts from my travels to Kansas City International House of Prayer:
The conference has been a refreshing time for me. When I arrived I was struck with awful sinus pain and pressure. The pain was so distracting that I could not hear the speakers. I wept because I felt I was standing at the gates of the Lord but my pain kept me from even knocking. It was very deflating after all the anticipation I had for being here. I went up for prayer, children prayed over me and laid hands on me, a young child with the gift of healing prayed over me (and others with physical pain), for about 10 minutes the pain left and I just laughed as I gave praise to the Lord. However, no sooner then I got back to my seat did the pain return. Father what is this? I remained and listened the best I could to what the speaker was saying. I was adamant to praise the Lord even in my pain. What little pain I actually experience compared to the pain he experienced on the cross for me. I came to the conference for leadership direction. I came to hear what the Lord had to say to me about curriculum and direction. Again, as often in my walk with the Lord my plans were not his. The over arching theme of this Children’s Leadership conference (much to my surprise) was for us to receive oil, oil from the Father. The Lord has told me clearly this weekend that I have lost my fire for him. I am not in love with him. I have placed so much time on doing and no time on loving him. My life is so driven by task. It is in all honesty that I admit to Him and to you that I do not hunger after him. I do not thirst after him for if I did I would eat and drink of Him with complete abandon. Instead I complete task, important worldly and ministry task. Fire fall down on this place; I see how I have been managing an operation and I have not spent time in your presence. I feel my life is so cluttered with non you stuff. It hurts Father.
I try to arrange the players and the stage in order to achieve his will. The problem with this is that I do not seek his will, I do not seek him, I do not trust in him, I just “do”. It’s funny how we can shine the outside of the cup while leaving the inside so dirty. The world sees the outside and we sometimes look so put together but he sees the inside and so do those who are walking closely with him. They see the inside of my cup. I believe God has given every child the ability to see the inside of our cups it is only as we age and separate ourselves from him that our ability to see others insides diminishes. I have to wonder if this is what God is talking about in the scripture when he said part from me I do not know you. I do not want to be the servant who cries “but Father I did this task and I did that task for you”. I so want to hear the words “good and faithful servant, I am well pleased”. The Lord has been telling me for the last month that I cannot transmit what I do not have. I cannot raise up (or lead a team for that matter) a generation who is in love with him, who will die for him, if I myself will not. I am so grateful for his conviction and not his condemnation. I am so in aw of his grace. As the days have progressed I feel his arms around me and I know he is welcoming me home, oh Lord how many times must I be that prodigal son, when will I be a Paul? I know that when I leave this place tomorrow that the world will be waiting. The list will be waiting, I fear it. I must hunger for you Lord or I will fail. I must immerse myself (and my marriage) in you or I will not stay in the river. I cry for you Lord. Whatever it takes Father. Make me strong, make me a Paul Father.